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Authenticity. Everyone craves it, especially in relationships, yet why do we not always get it? As with all enduring principles in life, you first have to be (and then do) before you can have.  Most of us want to have without putting in the hard yards.

If we want authenticity, we need to be authentic.

And this is where we get stuck, with ourselves, because it’s easier to attempt the futility of trying to change others rather than overcoming ourselves by making room to learn something new.

Think back to the last time you fell into the ‘changing others’ trap – perhaps it was the last time you had a NDE with a taxi!

Acquiring authenticity through ‘being’ takes graft, as enduring relationships mature over time by consistently reinforcing certain behaviours. Furthermore, the associated interactions should be coupled with a desire to learn while the marinade of vulnerability, integrity, empathy and consistency are imbued in the nature of the relationship.

Which would be your preferred choice? Oliver Cromwell, the English general and statesman, who instructed a painter to portray him as he truly was – ‘warts and all’. Or the man who mentioned to his painter that he hoped his portrait would do justice to him by concealing his blemishes – to which the artist replied, “It is not justice you need, it is mercy!”

Establishing authenticity should be a core consideration in every relationship encounter whether casual or formal, and especially for your spouse/partner/soul mate and key stakeholders in your life.

Should the nature of your approach or liaison be perceived by the other person as being expedient, expect transactional outcomes. Authentic relationships are the result of a transformational approach in which your efforts are construed as genuine and ‘giving’. Your return would be ten-fold and sustainable.

Your highest-value relationships demand authenticity and the character deserving of them.

I am the author of Leading Self and Others (how to make a difference where you are with what you’ve got) and Teaming with ideas (life lessons in teams- from business, sport and parkrun). You can contact me here.